Halle Berry. Nicole Kidman. Madonna. I may not be a world-famous celebrity like these ladies, but I share something in common with them. We all underwent a change in our lives at time when our bodies were approaching the "change of life."
Each of us gave birth to a baby girl at 41.
Those of us who came of age on the crest of the women's movement believed we could have it all and on our own timetables. However, my life was not about pursuing a forward thinking ideal. It was about building a career before family. It was about relationships gone wrong until the right one came along.
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Love and marriage with the right man at the right time arrived when I was in my late thirties.
Bonnie Raitt's song, "Nick of Time," played constantly on the radio, winning her three Grammys for the album by that title.
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"A friend of mine, she cries at night, and she calls me on the phone. Sees babies everywhere she goes, and she wants one of her own...I found love, baby, love in the nick of time."
Bonnie Raitt was a troubadour for the women of our era. She sang about a yearning for love and babies while the grains of time slipped through the hourglass of fertility. Back then, we were learning that for the majority of women there was no easy button for achieving motherhood later in life, but it was possible.
Although there are more options than ever before, the odds are stacked against an older woman seeking biological motherhood.
Women over the age of 40 have a monthly fertility rate of only about five percent, and with assisted reproductive techniques like In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) the success rate is only about 10 percent per try. The rate of miscarriage for women between 40 and 45 is 35 percent. That rate jumps to jumps to 50 percent for women over 45.
Today, older women in the public eye show off their "baby bumps," making it look simple. Kelly Preston welcomed a son with her husband John Travolta when she was 48. Cheryl Tiegs, supermodel of the 80's, gave birth to twins at 52.
These stars have the luxury of time, money and unlimited resources to conceive in a way that is out of reach for many women. Still, their stories inspire women in their 40s to seek motherhood biologically, through adoption, or through blended families.
How are we older moms (famous or ordinary) different from younger moms?
We safeguard our own health. Madonna may have a personal trainer and a rigorous touring schedule to whip her body into shape. The rest of us have to do the best we can to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I exercise regularly, eat sensibly and get yearly physicals. I want to be around for my grandchildren.
If only I had Halle Berry’s post-baby body, beauty and style consultant. What I do have is a daughter who serves as sheriff of the household fashion police, steering me away from old lady clothes. She keeps me current and inconspicuous among the younger moms in the car pool pick up line.
As a 40-something mom, was I more tired than a 20-something mom when my infant cried all night? Probably. Did I demonstrate more tolerance and perspective when my preschooler bit another child at day camp? Maybe.
Do I love my child more than a younger mom loves hers, humbled as I am by the miracle of her conception and her perfect health against all odds? While a mother’s love defies comparison, it is quite possible that my awareness of the privilege of motherhood is deeper.
I have a feeling Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman and Madonna would agree.
